


If You

by incendiarywit (p_diyos)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 01:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13156506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/p_diyos/pseuds/incendiarywit
Summary: It’d been an easy agreement - Noya only had to look at Asahi and he shook his head.“Of course I’m staying with you,”he’d said.Noya and Asahi aren't coming home for Christmas, and Noya wonders if Asahi regrets it.





	If You

**Author's Note:**

> For Breezychu_Cosplay, under the Asanoya Secret Santa event! I liked all her prompts (Noya-centric angst, domestic life, Noya in Asahi's jacket) so much that I incorporated it all into the fic, with a tiny bit of swapped personalities. This fic runs under the assumption that Christmas for Asahi and Noya's families is a time of togetherness, and does not imply any religious affiliation. Enjoy! (*´∀｀*)ノ~☆
> 
> As a side note, I'll be taking a month off from updating and writing in general. The past two months have been very harrowing for me, and my creativity reserves are pretty much depleted. I hope to be back to updating in February, with Dreaming. Thank you for your patience and understanding as always!

Noya looked at his phone, the gray screen greeting him, and shrugged.It had been the third time he’s tried to call Asahi since he finished practice, and he still hasn’t answered. Whoever he was talking to was really eating up his time. Must be his family or Daichi or Suga - maybe both.

It didn’t really matter; Noya was just about to tell him that he finally had an idea for the menu for their Christmas dinner. Sure, it wasn’t on par with Asahi’s idea of cooking dinner together, but they wouldn’t be able to anyway. Given their individual schedules alone, any sort of dinner they’d plan to make would be easily beat by cup noodles. Ordering in was their best bet. If they could do Christmas trees and decorations, dinner would be a sprint in the park.

It was the first time Noya had to think about these kinds of things, decorations and dinner for the holidays. They weren’t going home for Christmas this year, given Noya’s training schedule with the team. The Olympics was approaching and their coach wanted nothing more than to get the team to their prime by the end of the decade.

He was fine with that; he’d miss his parents and his siblings, but he’d see them again in February. Asahi made no argument to staying with Noya in the city, despite his schedule being more flexible. After that conversation, they quickly made their own plans for their first Christmas together.

Noya couldn’t help but smile, then realized he probably looked strange for doing so in the middle of a crowded street. It should’ve gotten old - it’s been almost two years since they’ve moved in together after all - but after so long with Asahi, there were still tiny things to get excited about it seemed.

Asahi was on the phone when Noya got home - he could hear his voice drifting from  the living room. He was ready to announce his arrival, but stopped when he heard the tone of Asahi’s voice.

“I - what? I thought I told you guys.” Noya could imagine the crease between Asahi’s eyebrows, how he’d search his memory for a conversation he missed. Noya walked into what was a very grave conversation, the mood in the room turning heavy in an instant. “I did! Suga, I swear. No, no, Daichi, this isn’t a joke, why would I joke about this?”

Noya felt his shoulders deflate. He knew that voice as well as he knew the spots in his body where he always bruised. That was the voice he used when he had to tell someone something upsetting; something that usually Asahi had no control over. Noya hasn’t heard that voice since his birthday last year, when Asahi had to take over a night shift and miss their celebration dinner.

“Yes, I’m not coming home for Christmas this year,” Asahi repeated, as if he had a hundred times prior. “We both are. I know I could but Noya would be - I know, it’s this again.”

Asahi paused for a long time. The apartment rang in silence, while Noya’s heart threatened to leap out of his chest.

“Well, if he wasn’t pro, maybe,” Asahi finally said. It was such a quiet voice that Noya barely heard it. “There’s nothing I can do about that.”

Some part of Noya’s chest sank all the way down to his stomach. He knew that tone, too, but it was the exasperation at the edges that caught his attention. His brain was supplying him with implications and images that he wasn’t sure he wanted to consider.

“Of course I can’t leave him, come on Daichi, would you leave Suga alone for Christmas?” Asahi said, just as a soft thump signalled the side of the couch being hit. “See? Guys, I know you’re upset, but so am I -”

Noya held his breath and kept holding it. It was not enough to silence the roaring in his mind. With every word Asahi spoke, Noya’s brain whirred faster and faster until he was sure he was going to explode at any second. Was that really what Asahi thought? It was so different from their conversation a few weeks ago when the issue came up.

It’d been an easy agreement - Noya only had to look at Asahi and he shook his head. _“Of course I’m staying with you,”_ he’d said. Did he just say that to stop Noya from worrying? Was he regretting it now? How many times has Asahi put aside his own wants to accommodate Noya?

Noya put a hand to his chest. He knew he was being irrational, especially with the last thought. Asahi never gave Noya a reason to doubt. Still, the thought had already set its roots, growing rapidly in his mind, presenting possibility upon possibility. What was worse was that each sounded more and more logical the more he thought about it.

The discussion went on for another five minutes, but it felt like five hours to Noya. He didn’t know how he was going to look at Asahi, much less speak to him after what he just heard. How could he act normal after all that? Right now his heart was squeezing into itself so hard he had to clutch his chest.

“Noya?” Asahi called out suddenly. “Are you home?”

Noya nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn’t realized the conversation had ended. “Yeah it’s me!”

Asahi appeared at the end of the hallway, while Noya was trying to kick the shoes off his feet. He wore his oversized gray sweater, stretched until the sleeves made his hands disappear, and black sweatpants. His hair was loose around his face, turning to soft waves at his collarbone. He looked comfortable and gorgeous as ever, and it only made Noya sadder.

“Hey.” The corner of Asahi’s eyes crinkled as he gave Noya a wide smile. “I didn’t hear you come home.”

“Yeah, well here I am,” Noya said, and immediately winced. He cleared his throat as he set his bag down. “Who was that on the phone?”

“Just Daichi and Suga. Conference call.” Asahi turned pink in the cheeks. “Just their usual teasing. They’re sad we’re not coming home for Christmas.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it’ll be the first one they’re spending without us. We’ll miss the pre-eve party again.” Asahi barely fought off a snicker. “No dancing Daichi.”

Noya let out a laugh; it sounded dead. “Yeah, guess we’re missing that,” he said. He walked past him and headed for the kitchen. “So, do we have leftovers for dinner?”

“Ah -“ Asahi probably looked as confused as he sounded. Noya didn’t even have to look. “I - I made fried chicken. There’s some rice in the refrigerator.”

“Oh good.” Noya threw open the fridge and stuck his head in. He wasn’t really looking - just finding a way not to look Asahi in the eye. A large tupperware full of rice and jars of pickles and dips greeted him.

“Noya, that probably isn’t sa-“

“You know what?” Noya emerged from the refrigerator and closed the door shut. “I’m actually not that hungry anymore.”

Asahi raised his eyebrow. He stood in the middle of the kitchen doorway, looking lost and confused. “But you just came back from training.”

Noya’s tired muscles and empty stomach agreed, and he fought off a grimace. “Yeah…but I grabbed a pork bun on the way home. It’s enough.” He headed for the doorway and did his best to sidestep Asahi. “I’ll head for the shower now!”

“Whoa, slow down.” Asahi caught Noya by blocking the exit with his arm. “We haven’t even said hello properly.”

That was enough to catch Noya off-guard. Asahi from high school would’ve been too shy and too flustered to make that kind of comment; he forgot that was a thing now. Sometimes it slipped Noya’s mind, how much Asahi’s grown into himself, how much more confident he’s become to be able to articulate his feelings.

Noya, on the other hand, could do with a bit more courage. Or a bit more stability in his stomach.

“Well, hi,” Noya said, reaching up to plant a kiss on Asahi’s cheek.

“Hey,” Asahi returned, looking a little less frazzled. “You sure you’re not eating? I can heat everything for you if you’re too tired.”

“It’s okay, I’m good. Thanks.” Noya stepped out of Asahi’s space, keeping an arms length between them. He couldn’t bear to be close. “Though isn’t it late? Shouldn’t you be -“ He searched for the clock in the living room, “well, sleeping? Or getting ready to sleep?”

Asahi exhaled,  running a hand down his face. “Yeah, early shift. I don’t know why they keep giving me those if they know I can barely keep my eyes open until noon.”

Noya couldn’t help but laugh softly. Asahi never did grow out of his groggy morning phase. With a burst of affection, Noya reached out and placed his hand on the side of Asahi’s face. Asahi leaned into his hand instantly, eyes fluttering close.

“They think you’re going to grow into it,” Noya said softly.

“That’s never going to happen and both of us know it.”

Noya laughed louder, which made Asahi laugh in response, his eyes crinkling at the corners. For a moment, Noya could forget about what he just heard, and he could just pretended that he and Asahi were really as happy as he believed. He could pretend that this was just another day in their life together.

But it wasn’t, and the reality of it sank down on Noya hard and fast. He was thrown back into the unknown, dark and cold with no end nor certainty in sight.

“You..you go on ahead,” he said, letting his thumb sweep once over Asahi’s skin. “You need your sleep.”

Asahi opened his eyes. “You’re not coming to bed?”

What would have made Noya’s bones turn soft with comfort made him want to throw up now. “I’ll - I’ll be up for a bit,” he answered, keeping his voice levelled. He pulled his hand away, all the warmth leaving with it. “Feeling kind of restless.”

“Oh.” Asahi’s lips pulled into a frown, and Noya had to bite his bottom lip to prevent him from taking his words back. “Okay. Should I -?”

Noya shook his head. “Don’t wait up, it’s okay. And yes,” Noya said just as Asahi opened his mouth to protest. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Really, it’s okay.”

Asahi closed his mouth. “If you’re really sure,” he said. He reached out and squeezed Noya’s hand. “Good night. Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

It was only when Asahi retreated into their bedroom, door closed and muted footsteps padding around, did Noya finally let out a breath. He wasn’t sure how he got through that conversation. He was pulled apart at the seams from pretending everything was fine. He didn’t know how he didn’t ask Asahi if he meant what he told Suga and Daichi. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

He looked around the living room and kitchen. Eventually, he settled for fixing up little messes while being wary of a sleeping Asahi just a wall away. He’d gotten better at keeping their place relatively neat since they moved in together, but Asahi was always inherently neat. He was inherently better at everything, it seemed.

“Stop it,” he muttered to himself, tapping the side of his head. It wouldn’t do him well to let his thoughts roll into that direction.

After all misplaced items were put in place and tiny wads of tissue were thrown in the trash, Noya had a quick shower. At the end of it he still felt too wired to dare step into the bedroom, so he wandered back to the living room, now illuminated by a long stretch of light from the hallway.

Noya walked past everything and headed for the windows, sliding the doors open and stepping onto the balcony. He shivered instantly at the cold gust of wind but made no move back in. Beyond the rails were rows upon rows of buildings varying in shape and size and lights glowing in the distance. He settled by the railing, watching the horizon.

Here, his thoughts felt heavier than ever before. He let himself think. He let the possibilities, endless as they were, spread out in front of him. One question stood out among all - how could Noya move forward with the knowledge that the person he loved could be unhappy?

The moon was high in the sky by the time he stepped back inside.

*

When Noya woke up the following morning, he resolved to forget he ever heard that conversation. He wasn’t meant to hear it anyway, and he probably missed the full context of it. He could be misconstruing something that wasn’t anything at all. It was most likely nothing.

He tried to maintain the semblance of normal. He fell back into the routine they’ve built up for themselves - simple dinners on the weekdays, errands on Saturdays, staying in on Sundays. After a week he could almost believe he didn’t hear that conversation at all.  

It was one of those Sundays now, two weeks before Christmas. He and Asahi were on the couch, TV on but the volume turned low, talking in hushed voices and laughing every other minute.

“You’ve been touchy lately,” Asahi commented. His cheeks were pink, face open and happy. It was a good look on Asahi, possibly one of Noya’s favourites.

“I have perfectly good reason to,” Noya returned, settling further into Asahi’s chest, burying his nose against the fabric of his sweater. It was itchy, but he wasn’t inclined to move. “Plus it’s cold - you could use some warmth.”

Asahi chuckled, wrapping an arm around Noya’s shoulder. “I guess having a boyfriend as a space heater is convenient.”

“That’s probably the only reason you keep me around.”

“Other things, too.”

“Mhm, I’m sure.”

“Still, touchy.” Asahi squeezed Noya to his chest for a second. “Any particular reason?”

“I like being close to you,” Noya answered easily. “Is that enough?”

Asahi’s cheeks darkened and he bent his head, but the corners of his mouth were still upturned. If he wore a scarf, he probably would’ve burrowed his chin into it like he always did when he was embarrassed.

“You’re such a sap,” he said instead, a clear victory. Noya pinched his arm, earning a yelp in return.

They turned their attention back to the television, watching the game show as it unfolded. The contestants were rolling on a barrel trying to get to the other side. He and Asahi laughed loudly as they all fell one by one, with only two reaching the opposite end.

“Why are we watching this again?” Asahi asked as his laughter died down.

Noya wiped at his eyes. “Ryuu said it was good, though I have no idea why he’d watch this in his free time.”

“This is a very Tanaka-like thing to watch though. Also a very you thing to watch.”

Noya shrugged his shoulders. “If you say so.”

“Oh wait.” Asahi sat up a little, forcing Noya to readjust his position. “I just remembered - I meant to talk to you about Christmas.”

Noya couldn’t help his sharp intake of breath. Didn’t he tell his brain that it didn’t matter - why was he freaking out?  He pulled away from Asahi completely to get a better look at his expression.

“What about it?” Noya asked in the lightest voice he could manage.

Asahi looked apologetic, and he would’ve scratched at the back of his head had he not been holding Noya. “Akio’s going to call us around midnight, so we have to stay up.”

“Oh.” Just Asahi’s brother - it wasn’t a problem then. Somehow, Noya’s chest didn’t deflate with relief as much as he thought it would. “That’s fine. Weren’t we planning to stay up anyway?”

“That’s the plan,” Asahi said with a smile. “Unless we’re imposing bedtime?”

“Shut it, you.” Noya knocked his shoulder against Asahi’s. He never would get used to his low levels of sass. The effect of being best friends with Sugawara Koushi, it seemed. “Very funny.”

Asahi turned his attention back to the television, but kept the space next to him open. Noya didn’t settle back; instead, he folded his legs up on the couch and leaned forward.

“What about Asami?” Noya asked, trying to focus his attention back to the TV screen.

“Staying with my parents,” Asahi replied. “She’ll probably call in the morning like she usually does though.”

Noya felt another pang of guilt. Another set of people that Asahi would miss for Christmas. “Okay. Grandpa’s going to call on the 23rd, probably.”

“Is he having his big party too?”

Noya snorted, albeit weakly. “No, he’s staying in Okinawa with dad and everyone else. Unfortunately.”

Asahi let out an “Ah.” of understanding, which explained the hilarious image that Noya had in his mind. His grandfather, wild-spirited and took answers to no one, forced to sit down and celebrate with his soft-spoken son.

Eventually, he and Asahi resolved that they were too tired to cook anything for dinner, and opted for something outside. Anything but the convenience store down the street they said, which was their go-to whenever either one of them was too tired to cook anything substantial.

As Noya put on his leather jacket, heavy on his shoulders as the guilt that he felt all throughout his body, he asked, “You’re not going to miss them?”

Asahi had just gotten his arm through the sleeve of his own olive coat. “Miss who?” he asked in return.

The list of names in Noya’s mind seemed to grow with every second. All the people who loved and cared about Asahi, and who he cared and loved in return, now hundreds of kilometres away. All because Noya couldn’t be apart from him.

“Everyone,” he said eventually.

Asahi received the question with a thoughtful look, just as he put his other arm through the sleeve. “I will, but I miss them all the time. Now is no different.”

He said it as a fact, but Noya could clearly see the downward set of his mouth, the wistful look in his eyes. Like he wished there were some way the situation would be different. Noya wished the ground could just swallow him whole - he hated the way he felt now. Knowing that he could cause that kind of reaction made him sick.

“Why are you asking?” Asahi said, wrapping a scarf around his neck.

Noya shook his head. He chucked his gloves into the pocket of his jacket and threw open the door. “No reason,” he said before stepping out.

*

The next few days proved to be difficult. Someone once told him - probably Daichi, an infinite fountain of wisdom - that once you acknowledged the existence of something, it would hit you like a slap to the face and wouldn’t leave you alone even in your sleep. Those probably weren’t Daichi’s exact words, but that was how Noya remembered it to be.

And he wished he didn’t. His nights of restless sleep have finally caught up with him; his hearing was going with how much his coach scolded him during practice. He had every reason to - Noya was missing receives he could have made in his sleep.

It was the guilt that was making him mess up. He could barely be in a room with Asahi these days without feeling that anvil he was dragging around. It was impossible for him to ignore now, and impossible not to think about every other minute.

Asahi noticed, because this was Asahi who would notice a strand of gray hair when a beam of light was shining right above his head.

“There’s something wrong,” he remarked one morning.

Noya nearly dropped the stack of dishes and bowls on the way to the sink. They clattered noisily in his hands and knocked against the bottom of the sink.

“Careful!” Asahi said, reaching out.

“I know!” Noya snapped. He caught the wide set of Asahi’s eyes and exhaled loudly, forcing the wave of emotions that had hit him again. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” The set of Asahi’s brow, slanted downward to make him look like a worried puppy, said otherwise. “You’ve been like this for days, Noya. It’s not like you.”

“I know.” Noya set the dishes down properly, checking for chips and cracks. There was a lightning bolt-shaped crack on Asahi’s favourite bowl, of all things. “Practice has been rough.”

“I know, but I think it’s more than that.” Asahi let the kitchen towel rest against the counter and went to stand next to Noya. Unable to handle the look Asahi was giving him, Noya turned on the faucet and set his focus to washing the dishes.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” Asahi said. “You’re tired all the time, and jumpier than usual. You’ve been distant, Noya.”

“That’s not true.”

“I might believe it more if you looked me in the eye.”

Noya did, and found all his resolve evaporate into the air. He never could lie to Asahi; now was no different. The guilt just flared, making him want to sink to the floor. He looked back to the sink.

“There is something going on,” Noya mumbled, scrubbing a spot on a plate that wasn’t really there. “I just…I’m trying to figure things out.”

“Okay,” Asahi said softly. “What can I do to help you?”

Noya instantly felt prickling behind his eyes, and he blinked rapidly to stop the tears. He really lacked sleep, if he was reacting so much to Asahi’s concern. It was making his heart ache.

“I don’t know, Asahi.” Noya set aside the plate he was washing and moved on to the next one. “It’s all so complicated. I don’t really know what to think of it.”

Asahi hummed thoughtfully. He had that crease between his brows again. “Is there someone you can talk to about it?”

Tanaka. His grandfather. His brother, Miko. He knew what they all would say. They wouldn’t really understand, they didn’t know the extent of Asahi and his self-sacrificing nature.

“No,” Noya said. He took the pile of plates and bowls and rinsed them off. “They’d all just say the same thing.”

Asahi placed a hand on Noya’s waist, and Noya let out a shaky breath in response“You don’t know that if you don’t try,” he said, and it was such an Asahi thing to say. A new-Asahi thing anyway.

Noya stopped again and looked up at Asahi, giving him a small smile. “You’re advertising that now, huh?”

Asahi’s cheeks turned pink. He moved closer to Noya, until their hips bumped. “Learned it from you. Now let me help with the dish -“

“No! Let me do it!”

“Noya -“

Noya turned the faucet on at full and quickly ran the remaining plates under the water. “No! You always do chores, let me do something for once!”

“What, you always do the groceries -“

“Doesn’t count!” Noya placed all the plates on the drying rack and shut the faucet off. “See? Done. Not a problem.”

Asahi sighed, but there was a small smile on his face. “Next time, I’m doing them.”

Noya had it in him to smile for a moment. “It’s a race.”

The smile on Asahi’s face began to wear at the edges, and Noya knew he probably looked as sad as he felt. “Maybe think it over for a few more days,” Asahi suggested. “You have time.”

Noya wanted to contradict him - with less than a week to Christmas, did they really have time? Asahi could be on that train home any day now, to be with his family and friends.

“I don’t know,” he said instead.

Asahi stepped forward, holding his arms out. With a moment’s hesitation, Noya let himself fall into Asahi’s embrace, hoping for his thoughts to fade. He buried his face in Asahi’s chest and closed his eyes.

“Try to let someone know about it - it doesn’t have to be me.” Asahi rested his head against the top of Noya’s. “You know that.”

“I’d help more if I actually talked to the person, I think,” Noya mumbled against Asahi’s chest, the sound coming out muffled and almost unintelligible.

“But you won’t.”

Noya shook his head. “I won’t. Scares the shit out of me.”

“Well, talking is the scariest thing for you, usually.”

Asahi didn’t say it unkindly, and Noya took no offense. This was the person he trusted most in the world and he trusted that assessment, but it made him think. Was that why it was so hard for him to even stomach the thought of telling Asahi how he felt?

“What if everything goes wrong?” Noya asked.

Asahi’s arms hugged him tighter. “I’ll still be here for you, even when it does. Though I think it’ll be just fine.”

Noya took in a sharp breath and clung to Asahi’s shirt, his nails digging into the fabric. He was always right about Asahi’s reactions about things; he was able to read his boyfriend better than he himself did, but right now that didn’t help at all. Right now he could only see a cloud of gray haze and Asahi’s back as he walked away.

It was actually such a small thing, such a minuscule question to ask if Asahi wanted to go home. They’ve done long distance before; they used to be okay being apart for months before they moved in together, when Noya started going to university. Why was it so different now?

Because Noya knew too much. How Asahi still hasn’t learned not to drag his feet, making him trip everywhere. He’d know which part of the room was Asahi’s and which was Noya’s just from the mess and the things in the immediate space, and how sometimes it’d be both. He knew they would always be home on Sundays, even at the height of work stress and the volleyball season.

He was used to their little routines, to the comfort of Asahi’s presence just a few footsteps away. If his mind was right, the deepest darkest parts of it, things would change if he asked. And Noya wasn’t sure he was ready to let that all go.

*

“The next train to Tokyo is in two hours,” Tanaka reminded him lightly.

Noya pulled his cellphone back, stared at it, before putting his ear back to the receiver. “What am I supposed to do with that information?”

Tanaka sighed, and Noya could almost see him scrubbing his hand down his face. “I’m just saying it’s gonna take me five hours max before I can actually whack you in the head.”

“Didn’t I just say to be nice about it!”

“I would, but you’re being a complete idiot and I can’t take it!”

Noya groaned loudly and fell back against the cold wall. “I knew I should’ve just called -“

“It was me or your grandpa, buddy,” Tanaka said with that tone that made Noya wish he was here, so he could kick him. “And I know he’d tell you the same thing. But at like, volume level twenty.”

“Thirty,” Noya corrected. “And if I told him my whole family would know, and I really don’t wanna get into that.”

“Then the entire Tokyo would know how stupid you’re being.” Bedsprings creaked loudly in the background, and there was a thump like that of feet hitting the ground. “But seriously, Noya. Just talk to Asahi, lay your cards on the table. Pretty sure it’s nothing.”

“But Ryuu, you should’ve heard him when he was talking to Daichi-san and Suga-san. He just sounded so sad and like he regretted everything and I can’t help but think -“

“Noya, stop.” Tanaka’s voice was quiet but commanding, one Noya’s so rarely heard in all their years of friendship. He did stop, trapping the flurry of words before they could make it out of his mouth.

“There,” Noya said.

“Shh,” Tanaka returned sharply. “I need to you listen to me first. I know what you heard, I know. But you only know one side of the equation. You can make up a hundred theories about what it could mean but until you ask Asahi, you don’t have all the factors. At least give him a chance to hear what you’re worried about.”

Noya pressed his lips together. Somewhere in the slightly more logical part of his mind, he knew Ryuu was right. Talking usually just solved everything. A lot of potential arguments he could have had with Asahi were instantly deterred because one of them spoke up.

“You can talk now, by the way,” Tanaka reminded him.

Noya snorted. “Yeah, thanks for the permission, Ryuu. Wouldn’t have known if you didn’t tell me.”

“Very funny man.”

Noya looked down at his feet. “I don’t know if I wanna talk about it, Ryuu. I mean, all I can think about is the worst case scenario.”

“Because that’s how you always think,” Tanaka said. “Dude, I promise I’m not saying this - it’ll be fine. Really. Just tell him. Asahi would wanna know.”

“But -”

Tanaka’s mother’s voice echoed somewhere in the distance, and Tanaka shouted a ‘Hold on, mom!’. “Hey, I gotta go. I’m being sent to the market…again.”

Noya sagged further down the wall. “Errand boy?”

“Forever the errand boy. Probably the reason why they won’t let me move out of the house.”

“No, they’re keeping you because they adore you.”

“Weird way to show that, by the way,” Tanaka said. “You and Asahi have a good holiday, yeah? And text me when you talk to him.”

Noya felt everything sink in again. He actually had to talk to Asahi. He actually had to say these thoughts. “Wish me luck, then.”

“You won’t need it, but good luck anyway,” Tanaka said, and a second later only the tone of a dropped call was left.

“Nishinoya!” Noya turned sharply to the end of the hallway, only to see his red-faced coach at the end of it. “What are you doing there - back to practice!”

Noya clicked the home screen shut and started jogging back down the hall. “Sorry Coach!!”

It was all Noya could think about for the entirety of practice. How was he going to piece the words together? How was he going to even start? Every hour that passed filled him with nervousness, and by the time he was on his way back to the apartment, he could feel his hands shaking from something other than the cold.

It was hitting Noya hard, what was happening between them. It struck right to the insecurity he dealt with time and time again - one he thought was solved only for it to come back to haunt him even worse than before. The last thing he wanted to be was a burden, least of all to Asahi who has already done so much for him.

It was his turn to make dinner tonight, and he decided to make something a little nicer than their usual. Going to the supermarket and getting to work on dinner as soon as he got home gave himself a little more time to think, a little more time to prepare. He was in the middle of tapping his foot waiting for the oven timer to go off when Asahi walked in.

“Hey.” Asahi stepped into the kitchen doorway.

Noya caught the hesitation and confusion in his voice. “Hey you,” he said. “Dinner will be ready in thirty.”

“Dinner?” Asahi spotted the oven. “What…what are you making?”

“Thought we’d have something fancy.” Noya peered into the oven again. “Well, as fancy as salmon gets.”

Asahi looked confused, and the tiredness he emanated probably did him no favours in understanding the situation. He stood in the hallway quietly for a few seconds, before stepping hesitantly into the kitchen. “Still wearing my hoodie, though,” he pointed out.

Noya gave a small smile, pushing the sleeves of the soft, maroon hoodie up his arm. “I said the food was fancy, didn’t say we had to dress fancy. We’re at home, after all.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.” Asahi leaned down to kiss a spot on top of Noya’s head, just where his bangs began. “Thank you, Yuu.”

Noya only felt a second of the fuzziness he usually got before it faded to a pool of dread. Asahi so rarely called him Yuu; it was special, reserved for quiet nights with only the moonlight streaming through the blinds, or whenever Asahi felt this overwhelming surge of love for Noya. For them, saying ‘Yuu’ was Asahi’s greatest form of ‘I love you’.

And it felt heavy to Noya, the weight of that love. He was reminded then again how much of a responsibility love could be. How he was responsible for Asahi’s overall well-being. . If that meant speaking about this issue, then shouldn’t he be able to but his hesitations and fear aside? Didn’t Asahi deserve that?

“It’s nothing,” Noya answered, knocking his head against Asahi’s chest. “Now, shoo! The fish is almost done and I can’t concentrate with you here.”

Asahi laughed softly. “You’re just saying that so I won’t do any work.”

“Well, that’s kinda the point, Asahi-san.”

“Now that brings back memories,” Asahi said, taking a step back. “I’ll just be in the bedroom, okay?”

“Yes, now go!” Noya pushed him away at the hip, and Asahi only budged a little before he went back to their room in light laughter. Now that Noya was by himself, he finally had the chance to plan the conversation out.

The words came somewhat easier to him as he took the salmon out of the oven, and he had a pretty good set dialogue when he set the table. His limbs were heavy with dread, and he was pretty sure he was going to say the wrong thing before they got to the real part of the conversation. God, he’s never been this nervous about talking to Asahi before.

Asahi emerged from the bedroom, hair damp and loose around his face. He looked soft and touchable in his black sweatshirt that Noya couldn’t help but to gravitate towards him.

“You can change, if you want,” Asahi said, just as Noya clung on to the sleeve of his shirt. “I’ll take over from -”

“No, I like your hoodie. It’s cozy,” Noya replied. The truth was he felt warm enough not to need the hoodie, but he liked the comfort. He _needed_ it, if he was going to do this properly. “You smell nice.”

Asahi turned his head to sniff at his shoulder. “I just used the same soap.”

“I know.” Noya didn’t know why he said that. Only that he wanted Asahi close, and to keep him there for as long as he could.

“You’re feeling sentimental,” Asahi remarked with a fond look.

“I love you,” Noya said instantly, feeling it through every part of his body.

The smile that formed on Asahi’s face was cotton-soft. “I love you, too, Yuu,” he said in a gentle voice. “How about we eat? Food looks good.”

Noya inhaled deeply, gathering courage, then exhaled. “Okay.” He let Asahi go and wandered to the other side of the table, where he took his seat.

Asahi smiled brightly as they ate, thanking Noya for the food and chatting lightly about his day at work. Noya could only nod and exchange a few words, just happy to see the smile on Asahi’s face while he worked up the courage to start talking

“You seem better today,” Asahi said. “Did you finally talk to someone?”

Noya thought to Tanaka - ‘ _Just tell him.’_ he said. He made it sound so easy. Noya would rather be wrestling monkeys than doing this.

“Kinda. I told Ryuu,” Noya said, moving his food around his plate. “It - I don’t know if it helped, really. But I know what I have to do.”

“That sounds helpful to me.”

“I guess.”

Noya’s appetite decreased to nothing as time went on. He was so nervous he could feel his palms sweating, and the only time that ever happened was when - funnily enough - he asked Asahi to move in with him.

They were halfway done with their meal when Noya finally spoke. “Do you regret it?”

Asahi looked up from his bowl. “Regret what?”

Noya found he couldn’t say his next sentence. The words were stuck on the way up in his throat and turned into a lump that made it difficult to swallow. _Me. Do you regret me?_

“Noya? Yuu?”

Noya’s eyes flicked back across the table, where Asahi looked on with those wide eyes and wrinkles on his forehead. He used to always tease Asahi about them; he used to smooth them out with his fingers lay kisses all over when he could.

“What?” Noya asked.

“Something’s bothering you,” Asahi said, the frown and forehead wrinkles even more prominent now. He wasn’t asking. “It’s still bothering you.”

“No. No, I just…spaced out a little.” Noya let out a laugh that rang hollow and dead to his ears, and he fought off a wince. “Sorry. What were we talking about?”

Asahi’s expression did not relent. “You asked if I regretted it. What would I regret, Noya?”

“I don’t know...do you have any?”

“You know I have a ton of them.”

Noya wondered what those worries were. He looked up slowly, meeting Asahi’s eyes, and he could see how Asahi instantly melted into an expression of soft worry. Noya tried to discern Asahi’s face, to look for clues, anything he could use to start talking, but could find none. He was overflowing with his own worry that he couldn’t see anything else.

“Do you regret that we’re not coming home for Christmas?” Noya blurted out.

Noya didn’t know where that came from - his lack of sleep and general tiredness have made him loose-lipped. He felt something free up in his chest, something long dislodged for weeks, but the cavity was quickly filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.

Asahi carefully let his chopsticks down. “Well, yeah,” he answered carefully. “It’s the first Christmas I won’t be home - it’s going to be really strange. What about it?”

Noya expected that answer. It was the next few words that he was having a difficult time with; he couldn’t get them past his throat. “You could…go, if you wanted,” he managed. “Home, I mean.”

Asahi stared back at him, uncomprehending. “I don’t know if I understand.”

Noya closed his eyes. “I think I’m being pretty clear here, Asahi.”

“You want me to go home?”

Noya inhaled sharply at Asahi’s tone of voice. He opened his eyes but kept his gaze trained down at his plate. He couldn’t look at Asahi now - he’d just lose his nerve.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” he said. “I’m telling you that if you…if you really wanted to go home for Christmas, you could. I won’t stop you.”

“I couldn’t leave you alone, Noya.”

“But you can’t be away from home - from your family, our friends. I don’t mind being alone, you know that. If it’s guilt or…or obligation that’s keeping you here, I’m telling you that you can go.”

Asahi said nothing, and the gravity of Noya’s words sank into him. The silence between them felt so loud it was almost deafening. He wished for it all to be over.

The chair scrapped against the hardwood, much louder than it usually was. Heavy footsteps approached Noya, and with every beat he felt his heart sink closer to the floor.

“I think you’re trying to tell me something else,” he heard Asahi say.

Noya had no answer for that. He continued to stare at his plate all while gripping his hands under the table. He wasn’t ready for wherever this conversation might lead, even if he’s played it all out in his head.

“Noya.” The gentleness in Asahi’s voice made his eyes prickle, and Noya quickly blinked his eyes. “What’s this really about?” he asked. He didn’t sound angry, but somehow that made everything worse.

“I just…don’t want you to be unhappy,” Noya mumbled.

“But I’m not - where would you get that idea?”

“From that call, with Daichi-san and Suga-san. And whenever I asked you if you were sad we weren’t going home, you had this look on your face.”

Asahi was quiet for a long time. “This is what was bothering you.”

Noya didn’t know if he had any words left in him. He nodded slowly.

He heard footsteps come even closer, and saw Asahi’s socked feet stop just to the right of his chair. “Noya?” he asked, so soft and gentle that a tear finally escaped Noya’s eye.

“Yeah?”

Asahi knelt down beside him. He felt Asahi’s heavy hand rest on his shoulder, and he let himself breathe. Asahi looked up at him with a million words in his eyes, a thousand questions that Noya didn’t know how to answer.

“I’m sorry,” Asahi said.

The words registered to Noya a little late; it felt like particle dust floating in front of his face, one that he just watched flit around until it landed somewhere beyond his sight. When they did, he choked out a laugh.

“You’re sorry? I’m the one who made things difficult for you, and yet you’re the one who’s -”

“Hold on, hold on,” Asahi said, placing his other free hand on Noya’s thigh, just above his knee. The action and tone of voice made Noya obey instantly; he closed his mouth.

“What I meant to say,” Asahi continued, “was that I’m sorry it took me so long to notice. I just...I didn’t mean for you to feel like - I didn’t know. Why didn’t you just tell me? You usually do.”

Noya felt like he was going to be sick. It was one thing for him to make Asahi worry; it was another to make him look as disappointed as he did now. “I know, but I just...it just feels like such a big deal. I...for the first time I didn’t -” Noya could feel himself shaking. He took in a deep breath. “For the first time I didn’t know what you were going to say.”

Something strange happened then - Asahi’s worry melted away until all there was left was a soft smile. It made some of the distress in Noya’s chest dissipate, but he remained on guard. Asahi took his hand off Noya’s shoulder and used it to push the chair to the side, so they would be facing each other.

“What’s the smile for? It’s kinda scary,” Noya couldn’t help but say.

Asahi smiled even wider, even as his eyes turned a little glassy. “It’s been nearly six years, Noya.”

“I know.”

“I know you know,” Asahi said. “So I - I can’t understand how you could ever think that being with you for Christmas is going to make me sad.”

“You’re away from everyone you love,” Noya replied simply. “You’ve never been away from home for Christmas. And you don’t like change; it usually takes you forever to adjust.”

Asahi reached out to take both Noya’s hands in his, letting them settle on Noya’s thighs. “What else?”

“I just feel like...it’s too much for me to ask, to have you stay. It’s not completely unreasonable for you to go home and to leave me here. We’ve done it before.”

“And if I told you it would make me sadder to leave you?”

Noya felt all his muscles lock in. It seemed such crazy a thought that he might not have heard it at all. “I wouldn’t believe you.”

“Well, it would make me sad.” In that moment all of Asahi’s composed appearance faded at the edges, leaving someone just as vulnerable as Noya felt, but also someone more familiar. “I don’t know how eloquent I’d be right now, I’m still...processing a little.”

“I did spring it on you.”

“As you do,” Asahi said kindly. He gave himself a moment, his expression turning almost neutral, but no less serious.

“I feel like this is something I don’t say enough,” Asahi continued. “But this life we have now? Being with you, living together with you? It’s...it’s made me so, so _happy_.”

Noya finally felt that small spark of hope light up in him, and he could see it reflected in Asahi’s eyes. “It does?”

Asahi nodded. “I just - I just feel that with you, being with you and having this life so far away from home, I’ve turned into this version of myself that I never thought I could be. And I’m happy. I like this me. I’m - I’m more comfortable with myself than I have ever been, and that’s all because of you.”

“Asahi…”

Asahi gave a tiny smile. “While I am sad about not going home for Christmas,” he said. “I’m happy to spend it with you, because you’re as valuable as the family and friends we’ve left behind at home. I want to be here, with you, always.”

Noya could only sit there, stunned by Asahi’s words. All distress and dread dissipated until there was nothing left but warmth. He would’ve fallen over from relief had Asahi not been holding his hands, steadying him, anchoring him as he always did. His heart was full, and the tear that escaped his eye this time was that of happiness.

“As usual, you never give yourself enough credit,” Noya said, leaning forward until he could gently knock his forehead against Asahi’s. “Pretty sure you made yourself the way you are now.”

“I wouldn’t have had the courage to, though, if not for you. You should take that credit for yourself.”

“Fine, only if you take yours.”

Asahi smiled, white teeth appearing beneath his upper lip. “It’s a deal.”

Noya mirrored the smile, if only for a second. “So...I’m not holding you back?”

“You never did,” Asahi said. “You never could. Even from the first day I met you, you were already pushing me to places I never thought I could go.”

“You could go anywhere, Asahi. Be whoever you want to be. I’ll always be here, just watching you and being proud of you.”

“Then you know how I feel when I see you.”

Noya let out a loud sigh, feeling lighter than he’s had in weeks. With barely any warning, threw himself in Asahi’s arms. Asahi made a delayed sound of alarm and barely caught him; they tumbled into a heap on the floor with a muffled thud.

“My back…” Asahi groaned.

“Sounding like an old man already,” Noya quipped.

“The fact that you’re joking about it means you feel better.” Asahi tapped Noya’s hip, and slowly pushed them off the ground, until they were just sitting together. “So you believe me?”

“I do,” Noya said. “And now I feel kinda stupid for freaking out.”

He felt Asahi shake his head against his. “Not stupid at all. I just feel bad for making you worry.”

Noya deflated a little. “I feel bad for worrying. This is all a feel bad party, really. Merry Christmas.”

Asahi exhaled quietly and pressed his lips to the side of Noya’s head. “Now I’m starting to understand something.”

Noya pulled back to look at Asahi’s face - he was smiling all bright and sappy again. “What?”

“When people say we’re turning into each other.”

“What! Now I’ve turned into the worrywart and you became the cool one? I mean, you becoming cool is great, just keep doing it, but worrying really, _really_ sucks.”

Asahi laughed. “It does suck. And I’m not as cool as you think - I’m still the same Asahi.”

Noya shook his head. He’s seen Asahi evolve all these years; it wasn’t completely true. “You being calm about this entire thing is pretty cool to me.”

“You’re biased.”

“Maybe I am.”

Noya finally allowed himself to laugh freely. He wrapped his arms tightly around Asahi and kissed the corner of his mouth, allowing the joy and comfort he’s needed for so long sink into his bones. Asahi let him, returning short, soft kisses of his own.

“So we’re okay?” Asahi asked, a slightly hesitant smile on his face.

Noya nodded. “Only if you’re sure you’re okay staying here. I just don’t want you to do anything that makes you unhappy, especially if it’s for me.”

“Being with you is the last thing that would make me unhappy.”

Noya felt his cheeks flare up, and he didn’t resist the urge to pinch the meat of Asahi’s arm. “Asahi, you sap!”

“Ow!”

“Sorry!” Noya said, even if he was only a little sorry. “And you know…” His cheeks burned up even more. “You know it’s the same for me.”

The smile Asahi gave him could light up an entire village. They spent the rest of the night finishing up their dinner in peace, flicking suds at each other by the sink, and trading kisses and warmth in their bed. It wasn’t anything too special, but it was normal, it was theirs, and Noya wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

“So, about that Christmas dinner,” Asahi said, voice low and hazy in the dark.

“Oh that.” Noya still remembered his idea from weeks ago - it seemed funny now, but he didn’t have it in his heart to change his mind. “How do you feel about fried chicken?”

***

“Asahi!” Noya called as soon as he opened the front door.

He kicked his shoes off as quickly as he could, each knocking loudly against the wall and falling to the floor upturned. His coat and jacket went flying to the general direction of their coat rack; he didn’t bother to see where it ended up.

“Are you ready?” He called again. “We gotta go!”

“Just about!” Asahi’s voice returned from deep in the apartment, probably the bedroom.

Noya threw his bag on the couch as he passed the living room, and already began pulling his shirt over his head. He spotted Asahi in the room and let out a sigh. “Oh good, you’re already dr - what’s that?”

Asahi startled, and before Noya could see what he was holding, he hid it behind his back. “Nothing!”

All the energy he got from rushing around simmered for a moment. “Asahi. I literally just saw you put something behind your back.”

“Well, it’s nothing you need concern yourself with...now?” Asahi pressed his lips together. He looked to Noya and several spots around the room. “You’ll find out eventually.”

Noya narrowed his eyes, placing a hand on his hips. “I don’t know if I like the sound of that.”

“It’s a good surprise, I promise,” Asahi insisted.

Noya looked at Asahi for a moment longer, trying to figure him out. “If you say so,” he said eventually, heading for the bathroom. “Hurry up - we’re going to be late! We still have to pick up the KFC!”

“Okay!”

Only when the sound of a running shower filled the apartment did Asahi let out a loud whoosh of breath, feeling his heartbeat against his palm. That was too close, far too close, and it’s happened too many times already. He really needed to be more careful.

“Soon,” Asahi said, retracting his hand from his back and pulling out a dark green box. He didn’t need to look inside to know that a simple silver band sat on a dark green cushion, gleaming even in the low light.

He’s looked at it for a year now, passing it by in the store on the way to work. He’s had it for months, sitting deep in a shoebox buried by a mountain of boxes they never really look at. Whenever he’d look at it, it’d feel like his heart was trapped in the box.

And maybe in a way it was. It didn’t scare him; he’s trusted Nishinoya Yuu with his heart for nearly six years now, and he’s never regretted it.

But now wasn’t the time for that. The right time would come very soon, Asahi knew, and when it did, he hoped he’d know what Noya would say.

****


End file.
